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As I sat in church one Sunday, someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You have lovely hair.” I turned to the pew behind me and the speaker was a man who looked to be 70-something

sitting next to a gray-haired woman, presumably his wife. I thanked him, wondering if the comment was nice or a tad weird. My hair is a short more-salt-than-pepper mix, similar to lots of

other women in the congregation, including the one next to him. Then he added, “You're like my wife; you’re embracing your maturity.”

Huh?

I’m not embracing anything except that it’s too much darn trouble and expense to dye my hair. And what’s his exact message? That I’m “mature”? Gosh, thanks. I wasn’t clear on the fact that

in my 70s I am mature, a.k.a old.

What is it about women over 50 that seems to invite comments about our looks? It’s like we turn into communal property with no etiquette barriers against sexist or ageist comments. It

reminds me of when I was pregnant and people offered unending advice or egads! when they reached out to pat my belly.

I get it. many comments are well-meaning if misplaced. I remember when the younger people who worked for me first told me — nicely — that I reminded them of their mother; then it morphed

into their grandmother. Recently, a contemporary and I were leaving a museum on a beautiful clear day. Warm, sunny and no ice or other hazards that I could see in the parking lot. “Be

careful, ladies,” the guard said as we walked out the door. We both laughed, thinking about the outrageously dangerous things we had done in our youth. Now, apparently walking to the car is

a risk.

But what triggers patronizing comments like, “Hey, look at you, wearing jeans!” that imply it’s a miracle that we even got dressed at all, let alone fashionably — like I’m a 5-year-old who

managed to put on her own shoes. Language matters, and how we use it says a lot about how we view and treat women, particularly older ones.

I wondered if this was just me being oversensitive — you know us gals. But I did an informal survey among some women friends, all close to 50 or older, and several had similar complaints. 

Here are some regulars that may sound familiar.