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2. DO YOU RESPECT BOUNDARIES (INCLUDING WITH CELLPHONES)? “The single biggest [thing] I hear from adult children about their parents in every correspondence is, ‘You need to respect my

boundaries,’” Coleman says. “You see that in part because the line between them has gotten so blurred.”  Being perceived as invasive creates tension, Coleman says. “The adult child feels

like, well, I have my own life and demands here, and I’m not just here to be available to you whenever you want me to be," he says. "Even if it doesn’t trigger a whole lot of

estrangement, it can certainly trigger a more conflicted relationship.” 3. DO YOU ACKNOWLEDGE RELATIONSHIP REALITIES? “Sometimes that’s a piece of what the older adult isn’t willing to look

at or acknowledge,” Tufts says. “How close were they? Things were different back then, so parents weren’t as involved, and so adult children aren’t as involved with their parent now because

it’s just the way the relationship has always been.”  That said, parents don’t need to cede all the ground if their grown children have a list of complaints; they need to have compassion for

themselves, says Coleman. “How you respond to the complaints or criticisms is key, so you want to try not to be defensive, but just to find the kernel of truth,” he says. “If you feel like

your kid’s rewriting history, you might say, ‘Gosh, I don’t recall it like that, but I’m sure I have blind spots [and] I wasn’t aware that you felt that way.’” 4. CAN YOU ADJUST YOUR FOCUS?

Tufts encourages her clients to create a support network beyond their children, whether that’s for venting about medical complaints, rides to the supermarket or dinner on Sunday nights. Are

you a negative Nancy, only complaining when you’re talking to your kids? What can you do to broaden your focus and support system so you’re not so reliant on your children? A new volunteer

job? Joining a faith community or an exercise group? Reviving a hobby? Instead of expecting help, can you offer help to an adult child — child care, dog-walking, buying pizza delivery on a

busy weekday? Older adults need to find things to counter the losses of aging, but family might not be the solution, she says: “Even if their family was more involved as much as they’d like,

they still have to find their own kind of fulfillment.” 5. CAN YOU GIVE IT TIME? All relationships go through rough patches and perhaps a breather may help, Steinberg says. Try giving your

child some space and see if things are better in a few weeks. “I think that either nothing is wrong and they’re just busy, or something’s the matter, and you probably should have a calm

conversation to try to figure out what it is,” Steinberg says. Or it might be that, at least for now, the relationship is going to be casual, not the deep, confiding connection that a parent

might desire, Coleman says. That might be the best your child can do at the moment. In fact, it might not be about you at all, but rather about something they are going through or have

experienced. “Being a great parent is no guarantee of a lifelong relationship with your child,” Coleman says.